Please fill dangerous hole

We lucky residents of South Terrace and its environs are pleased to report that our hole which miraculously appeared one night at the Earl Street junction is progressing nicely.

As it is where the baby buggies cross the street to get up past the railway bridge it is ideally placed for a distracted mother to pitch her baby headlong into the hole from its buggy. But not yet deep enough so as not to allow the legs to protrude so as to alert the mother when she comes off the mobile phone.

The hole is being constantly deepened by the wheels of cars and trucks swinging round the corner to the tell-tale clunk of shock absorbers and suspension systems. The sort of sound that delights the ears of MOT inspectors throughout the land.

As the bits of tarmac and road metal are loosened and fall into the hole a downpour starts and as the road gulleys along Braybrooke Road and Amherst Road have not been emptied since the local authority cutbacks under the administration of Margaret Thatcher, the catchment area is quite sufficient to cause a flood of water to cascade over the railway bridge into the hole thereby deepening it sufficiently that by Christmas (this year of our Lord 2014) to cover the aforementioned infant completely.

How very like a story of Brendan Behan’s life when he chanced upon a council worker’s hut complete with hole and bunting and roadworks signs. Astonished to hear the sounds of Hibernian merriment escaping from the said hut he joined in the song, Happy Birthday to You. A voice called him, saying, “Ah Brendan, Tis yourself” and handed him a drink. “Well,” he said, “I don’t mind if I do” and the voice said, “And we will mind if you don’t”. But he said: “To which of you may I offer my sentiments for a very happy birthday and many happier returns of the day.”

Oh, it’s not any of us yet. We are celebrating this fine Irish day, the birthday of our hole. Raise your glasses, gentlemen, to the pious and immortal memory of the hole, and a many happy returns of this day.

Now on behalf of my fellow residents of South Terrace and its environs I cordially extend in seasonal fellowship my invitation to all who love holes in our roads to come along on the eve of the birthday of our Lord and wish the hole a very happy Christmas and a Merry New Year, a long, happy if unfulfilled life and many happy returns of the day.

We humbly extend our convivial invitation to the Hole Patrol Division of East Sussex County Council, yet ever mindful that it may be otherwise engaged in celebrating their own hole and be unable to attend.

William Tevlin

South Terrace