Apparently it was the Mini Golf Championships in the Old Town this weekend.
I don’t know if it went ahead because of the rain and the wind and if I was religious I may have said that God made it rain to try and stop such a silly event taking place but I’m not and so I won’t.
I mean I like crazy golf - it’s something to play when you go to the Old Town and the trampolines are closed. But a championship is somehow legitimising it as an actual sport and, if I can play devil’s advocate for a moment - IT ISN’T. I mean actual golf is barely a real sport so whacking in a windmill and a few fountains does not an actual sport make. It got me thinking though - what other ‘sports’ would I delegitimize if I was for some reason put in charge of a ‘Board of sport delegitimization Trust’?
I am not a sports fan, of any kind to be frank. I love me some synchronised diving and if I happened across a championship on television chances are I’ll sit there for nine hours with a bowl of roasted pumpkin seeds and have at it til the wheels come off but that’s about it.
Darts is not a sport. I don’t care what anybody says and I don’t care about your arguments to the contrary. If your ‘sport’ doesn’t require you to be in peak physical condition and in fact possibly encourages you to drink, smoke and eat crisps then it should be stricken from sports vocabulary.
You don’t see long jumper Phillips Idowu tucking into a beef and onion pasty and downing a can of Stella in between jumps. And yes, that darts fella who wins all the time, Phil Taylor, sure he’s made lots of money and won more ‘championships’ than any other person but he’s throwing a spike at a cork board in a pub and anything that can be played in a pub is not worthy of being called ‘sport.’
Which leads me to snooker. Never has anything been so mind-numbingly ridiculous - are you kidding me? I can’t believe Mr Snooker sat down one day and thought “I’ve got a brilliant idea. I’m gonna cover my dining table in felt and then push balls with a stick into these cups I’ve sewn to the corners.” and then somebody else thought “This guy has got something here, I’m going to play against him and tell all my friends.”
I mean seriously, why at no point did somebody say- “THIS IS RIDICULOUS. If you’ve got all this spare time to play these games perhaps you should instead consider picking up a book or think about creating something that could change the world-like a hairbrush that cleans itself or crease free cotton”
Look, I don’t pretend to understand all the rules to these games nor to I try to feign any interest in learning about them. I don’t care that my opinions are ill educated or bias and without trying to sound rude I don’t care if you disagree although I can’t see how you possibly could. I’m willing to admit some sports are genuine athletics, basketball, cricket. And while I find footballers to be incredibly whiny I have to concede that it takes some sporting prowess to dribble a ball through Jurgen Klinsmann’s legs (before you scoff I’m quite aware that he is not a present day footballer but I like his hair so...) but boxing? It takes zero skill to block your face from some lunatic in an inflatable glove and for those of you who say it doesn’t encourage violence because its ‘done in a controlled environment’ can eat my fist.
Look, I’m sure crazy golf was a blast on Sunday or whatever but that’s all it can be. A bit of fun-something to do between waking up and realising how empty your life is...I didn’t mean that.
Oh and one more thing before I go- I would like to make an announcement. It will come as quite a surprise to those who know me (most people I’ve told already have laughed and doubted my ability to finish) but come March 2011 I will be running the half-marathon. Yes, training started this morning. I’ve even, with the help of running extraordinaires Debbie and Joe, purchased actual running shoes which makes it official- I’m a runner now and will be participating in an actual sport.
For more from Thom visit www.thomatronics.com or follow him on twitter @thomkofoed