Keith Hehir Lynch: A glimspe at the taxi code

Because you enjoyed my 'what makes a taxi driver' column so much last week, and when that letter came flooding in, It got me thinking that I'd like to take you through the taxi driver's hand book provided by the illustrious and benevolent council.

You can tell the depth of experience and knowledge that went into the Taxi Bible - a document that defines, educates and confuses the average common cab driver. Until now it has been hidden from the public, only ever to have its sacred pages thumbed by Hackney Carriage Masters of the craft.

So, for the first time ever may I present to you this sacred text...

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Them up at Observer towers wouldn't let me insert a suitable music clip into this piece at this point...you know, to add to the feeling of solemnity and er...speciallyness, but they went on about last straws and camels backs again.

As you are already on the internet, copy and paste these music choices into a new tab in your browser and have it playing in the background whilst you absorb these words.

Once you have opened new tab, paste these addresses in, this is the quiet one: http://tinyurl.com/362brvm and this isn't so quiet: http://tinyurl.com/2dlslud

Don't worry they are safe!

Choose what mood of music you want to hear, play then minimise! We can then begin. And here ARE those great words of wisdom taken from those scroll:

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-When your customers comb-over has flopped over, don't offer to comb it back for him and lick down the straggly bit.

-If you unfortunately break down, tie your passengers to your waist and do a walking taxi to their destination.

-When asked do you do "a set fare?" explain that you had loads of them earlier on, but have now sold out.

-When a drunk falls asleep on your shoulder, and you want to avoid the possibility that he might hurt himself, please don't hang him from the mirror with his scarf to keep him upright, the police don't like it.

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-When asked if Lidl sells hair dye and upon arriving it has just shut, don't offer your black marker pen as an alternative.

-When your customer "feeder" fattens you regularly with chocolates, don't start dropping hints for other stuff like pot roasts.

-Don't try to cheer up a landlady who's pub is on fire.

-When drunken people want to go to the airport and they wont shut up, quieten them with the 1hr version of the trip instead of the 2hr version.

-When asked can you take his bitch home, don't automatically assume he means his girlfriend, especially if he has a dog on a lead at the time.

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-If your passenger breaks wind in the cab, DON'T wind the window down! because that's an admission of guilt.

-The Cab is a device that locates and transports drunken muppets in the dark, if you lose 'em we will find them. Always have the A-team theme music playing while driving them home.

-When your customer is on the phone organising botox injections for herself, resist the urge to talk about formaldehyde.

-When you throw out a foreign student because he wants you to find his banana, remember it could be his bandana he has lost down the side of the seat.

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-When someone shoots you with their finger gun, unleash your surface to air middle finger back at them.

-Don't let anyone in the cab with an axe, unless its Halloween, and then only if it's plastic and held by a little fat bloke.

-Don't take home near naked wrestlers that have been plying their trade in a pool filled with jelly in a pub.

-Refrain from taking cuttings from customers gardens If you have turned up ten minutes too early.

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-When your local MP is also an investment banker and venture capitalist, do bring your investment portfolio with you to her next surgery.

-Do not to let a trendy person see you crying with laughter when he's just dropped his iphone down the drain outside a bar.

That's all the elders would allow me to show you, maybe in time, perhaps in another thousand years, a photocopy of the next page can be cut and pasted for your discerning perusal.

If you chose the solemn music, go and have a cup of tea in a quiet place and contemplate these very wise words, and bless you for appreciating our craft. Tips are as always, discretionary.

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If on the other hand you chose the other bit of music, the pubs are open all afternoon if you need a drink, and shame on you for treating these words of wisdom with such er...casuallyness.

If you didn't bother clicking either, you need neither alcohol or trendy tea and you probably work for the Observer.

I am mostly at http://Twitter.com/Mr_taxi_man If you fancy a larf! (or cry) see what I did then? I said larf instead of laugh to make it more jolly sounding and...Oh! Never mind'¦

Until next time!

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